


lonely loving you

by sleepyshamrocks



Series: venus rising [1]
Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Best Friends, F/F, derived from keeping up with someone you love through social media, there's a certain kind of loneliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:48:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26231413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepyshamrocks/pseuds/sleepyshamrocks
Summary: It’s all too quiet, suddenly, the absence of something she used to take for granted ringing in her ears.Hyejoo is the one thirteen hours ahead, so why does Chaewon feel lightyears away?
Relationships: Park Chaewon | Go Won/Son Hyejoo | Olivia Hye
Series: venus rising [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2018084
Comments: 15
Kudos: 78
Collections: Girl Group Jukebox - Mixtape Round





	lonely loving you

**Author's Note:**

> this was mostly based on irl experiences which is why the entire fic is just ~a vibe
> 
> written for GG Jukebox Mixtape Round, inspired by [happy now by ha:tfelt](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNVAL_EQYdg) because that song hits different when you're hate-missing someone

_Are you happy now _

_ Are you doing well, even without me? _

_ Are you happy now  _

_ Are you able to sleep well? _

The light burns. Hyejoo knows that this is bad for her, staring at her phone under the safety of her blanket in total darkness. _Why won’t you listen to me, Hyejoo-yah_ , she hears her mother clicking her tongue like she’s done so many times, _you’ll have to get glasses if you keep playing games on your phone._ Sometimes, Hyejoo waves her off. Other times, she shoots her a playfully annoyed glare and exclaims, _I’m not gaming! Leave me alone._

She doesn’t tell her mother the truth, that she’s been stalking Chaewon’s social media every chance she gets, because how embarrassing would that be? It hurt, at first, indulging in the masochism of keeping up with Chaewon’s life 11 thousand kilometers away, just another viewer among hundreds of her Instagram stories that crowd like dots at the top of the screen. Then, as their exchanges slowed down into occasional emoji reactions and one-off comments on posts ( _that shirts looks good on u but it’ll look better on me_ became _hey when are you coming back_ became just _cute^^_ ), Hyejoo decided that it was best to put her foot down before she did something that she’d come to regret. Like text her best friend even though she knows she’ll get a reply a week later in the form of a one-liner response or a reaction meme.

Tonight, Chaewon’s posted a picture of her with a bunch of friends at a party. Hyejoo pinches the screen to zoom in, taking note of the plastic cups and poorly-hidden bottles and the way everyone’s face shines under the flash. In the picture, Chaewon’s hair glows platinum and there’s a free, unbound smile gracing her lips, similar to the one Hyejoo used to see when they would steal wine coolers from Sooyoung’s mini-fridge during sleepovers, only wider, no trace of worry about being caught. She’s been going to parties a lot, Hyejoo notices, usually with the same group of friends, a familiar girl or two underneath her slung arms. She already knows their names by now – jjinsol_blue, jeonheejin01, hhhhhyunjinnnnn – knows what they’re majoring in and what filters they like to use on their posts. Chaewon skateboards with Hyunjin in the campus park on weekends. She volunteers at the refugee center with Heejin on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. She takes trips to the aquarium to visit Jinsol at work and posts captions like _best mentor ever!!!_ about her, with a grin that has grown more lopsided than Hyejoo remembers.

It’s only been four months, and already there are 30 posts separating this one and their last picture together on Chaewon’s feed, taken in the airport right before she left for university, traversing across a distance that Hyejoo cannot even begin to comprehend. Chaewon cried, Hyejoo didn’t. The red splotches spreading across Chaewon’s face that day were immortalized in the picture; _I look so bad, Hyejoo, can I please delete it?_ she begged during their first video call apart, the contents of her suitcase strewn all over her dorm room in the background. _Don’t you dare_ , Hyejoo replied, then. She had been doing her biology homework when Chaewon called.

A notification pings. Chaewon has posted a video titled ‘DRUNK ROOM TOUR + ILLEGAL KARAOKE (JINSOL ACTUALLY HAS A GOOD VOICE??)’ on her YouTube channel. 34 minutes long.

Hyejoo swipes the notification away and turns off her phone. In the dark, the color of Chaewon’s hair continues to burn through her eyelids, swirling like the pulsing core of the sun.

“Oh my gosh, Hyejoo, there’s this girl who just moved into the empty single next to mine and she’s _so hot_ , I swear, she’s Korean-American and doesn’t speak the language well so I’ve been using it as an excuse to, you know,” Chaewon pretends to fan herself, “visit her from time to time, talk to her in Korean and stuff.” The laptop picks up just a slight lag between the video and her voice, a quarter of a second off; nothing to complain about, but it’s there at the back of Hyejoo’s mind. “Her name is Jungeun, but we call her Kimberly sometimes to tease her because she hates her English name. She’s a sophomore – that’s the second year, if you remember – and she’s obsessed with Neoguri Spicy Seafood Ramyun, just like you. I’ll introduce you to her next time, promise.”

Hyejoo swallows. Her unfinished calculus homework taps its imaginary foot at her from where it’s pitifully splayed on her keyboard, the lined sheets riddled with crossed-out equations and multiple tentative answers. “She sounds great. I’m guessing things are going well for you?”

“I really like it here, Hyejoo,” Chaewon says sincerely. Past her, Hyejoo can see the Ikea bulletin board she helped pick out littered with polaroids and sticky notes, Chaewon’s university schedule pinned on the upper left corner. They’re talking to each other in real-time, but the ocean between them roars to life. It’s there in the morning rays splitting past Chaewon’s dorm window; the slight twang creeping into her accent, already bearing the brunt of a new language spoken daily; and Hyejoo is suddenly filled with a longing so deep it transcends time, back to the simpler days when the chasm separating them was only as wide as the strip of Chaewon’s mom’s garden running between their houses. “I like it here, and I think you’ll love it, too.”

“About that,” Hyejoo starts.

Someone bursts into Chaewon’s room and tumbles so hard they bump into the desk, taking Chaewon’s phone down with them. Hyejoo stares at the black screen as muffled voices start conversing in the background; they’re convincing Chaewon to go to an open mic at a bar downtown, where an oddly-named band called One-Third is going to play. Was the flash of brown hair Heejin? Should she be bracing for a raincheck?

 _If you find yourself stuck, perhaps it’s best to discard your current attempts and start over,_ the tagline on the bottom of her worksheet advises.

 _Shut up_ , Hyejoo scowls.

Her laptop screen wavers, flashing to Chaewon’s face again. “Hey, sorry, can we reschedule our call for tomorrow? Same time, I promise,” the blonde pleads, already standing up. An apology pools in her eyes. “Is that her friend?” a deep voice asks, out of frame, before they’re shushed by someone else.

“It’s fine. I get it.”

“Okay, bye! Talk to you soon, love you.” Chaewon blows a kiss at the screen.

“Love you t—,”

Her screen goes black for the second time, then pops back to the application start page. The menu bar shows 01:11, leaving her less than five hours to finish her homework and get some sleep. It’s all too quiet, suddenly, the absence of something she used to take for granted ringing in her ears.

Hyejoo is the one thirteen hours ahead, so why does Chaewon feel lightyears away?

“Have you looked into national universities, like I asked you to?” Mrs. Lee asks.

Hyejoo’s stomach begins to twist. “No. I told you, I want to study in the US. We’ve been over this several times.”

The counselor leans back on her chair. Hyejoo knows that there’s no getting past her. Countless students have gone in and out of this room for more than twelve years, each struggling with the pain of being young, legs running blind towards a finish line cloaked in wavering uncertainty, and Mrs. Lee has seen it all. So many stories contained in a single room, with only four walls and a single woman as witnesses. She’s itching to get out of there. 

“Hyejoo, I know this must be a confusing time for you –,”

“I’m not confused.”

“So then why, whenever I ask you, can you never give me a straight answer to why you want to go abroad?”

Silence.

Mrs. Lee switches gears. “Two years ago, here in my office. You were nursing bruised knuckles after punching Kim Jaegeun for laughing when you went to try out for the wrestling team. I told you that violence wasn’t the solution, and you agreed. The next day, I found Jaegeun here, nursing a bruised ego after losing to the newbie, and you on the roster for the wrestling team.”

Little victories. Hyejoo hasn’t felt one of those in a while. Four months – the monotone beat of turning to share a laugh, then catching yourself when you remember.

“You used to want things for yourself, Hyejoo. What changed?”

Gravity. The number of steps between her and Chaewon’s front door: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Chaewon’s 12th grade schedule folded neatly in the drawer under her desk. The playlists they made for each other’s birthdays – _songs for when you want to raise hell and be baby at the same time_ for Hyejoo, _someone give the fair folk their bite-sized princess back_ for Chaewon. The lake they went to every summer, never remembering to put on sunscreen and spending the walk back home slapping each other’s reddening shoulders. It’s always been there, that gravitational pull tethering their lives together, soapy bubbles in shared bathtubs and shirts that passed between two pairs of hands without end, kisses on cheeks that started out innocent, at first, then softer, closer and closer to the lips as curiosity began to foster. It’s only now Hyejoo realizes, too little too late, that even forces of attraction can fray when stretched out far enough.

She bolts.

Hyejoo waits for the call. 

She doesn’t get one. Instead, she lets her room fill with Chaewon’s voice, soft enough to compete with the synths in the instrumental, fresh off a new Soundcloud upload. The song cuts off every time her thumb taps on the right side of the screen through a sequence of Instagram stories: an all-girl band rocking onstage under flashing lights; a repost of jeonheejin01’s Boomerang, the three of them with arms outstretched, then pulled back, then outstretched again, waving peace signs; breakfast at the courtyard; a bird’s eye view of a lecture hall with the caption, _f*ck morning classes honestly_.

She falls asleep with her phone in her hand. Sometime later that night, the playlist hits its end.

[Nov 19]

son hyejoo (00:12): _happy birthday chae! i miss you so much, wish we could talk more often but we’re both so busy with school and everything_ _ㅜㅜ_ _i don’t really know what to say haha this is my first time wishing you hbd through text soooo_

son hyejoo (00:12): _anyway i know that i’ve literally never said this out loud (and you won’t catch me dead doing it!) but i just want you to know that you mean so much to me, more than i can put into words. i know we only became friends out of circumstance (thank GOD your mom didn’t pick the house by the park btw) but i like to think that the universe was watching over us or something, because i genuinely can’t imagine growing up without you. you’re the one person who i always knew would never, ever leave my side, even when we were fighting and i gave you the cold shoulder (sorry). i know that not a lot of people get to experience that kind of friendship so i’m grateful that i did. with you_

son hyejoo (00:13): _think i said the word ‘you’ like 10x in one paragraph wow_ _😅_

son hyejoo (00:13): _hope you’re doing well with your classes. don’t forget to buy earmuffs soon, you know your ears get super red when it’s cold. hwaiting!_

[Nov 21]

park chaewon (10:42): _hyejoo_ _😭😭_ _i miss you too_

park chaewon (10:42): _ur right this is so awkward over text_ _ㅋㅋㅋ_

park chaewon (10:42): _call tomorrow instead?_

son hyejoo (10:43): […]

son hyejoo (10:43): _sure :)_

**Author's Note:**

> this was kinda messy lol but thanks for reading! 
> 
> twitter: [sleepyshamrocks](https://twitter.com/sleepyshamrocks)  
> cc: [sleepyshamrocks](https://curiouscat.qa/sleepyshamrocks)


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